It's Always Sunny....

Oh hello there.

It's a lovely friday evening where I am. I have been having some weird stomach issues. I think it is linked to stress and some bad nights of drinking a bit too much wine. It's been good for appetite suppression, but for overall well being. I need to get to the bottom of what's stressing me out.

Let's see....I am stressed from: 

1. Upcoming trip.

2. Leaving my dog and boyfriend for 2 months.

3. Stomach pains.

4. Tying up the loose ends for my trip (paying bills, shutting off internet, etc.)

5. My future.

I need to stop stressing out about my future. I know my trip will be fun and I need to stop stressing about it. 

I need to get a grip on reality. My boyfriend loves me and is not going to cheat on me while I am gone. BUT I am too insecure and scared. Why? I don't know why. Because my past demons won't leave me alone. Not all guys cheaters, but I just assume so. 

I look in the mirror and I think "Why would anyone love me?"

I am not beautiful like the rest. I am not inspiring or special. 

I am just me. Sad, pathetic me. 

Well this turned out to be such a pity party of a post. 

Don't let me poopy mood get you down, it's Friday night! And like Rebecca Black says, it's the best night of the week. All the cool kids go out on Friday.

xoxox

April Showers, Bring May Flowers.

20 followers! I never would of thought. Thank you all.

This week has been weird/interesting. I have been trying to not count calories. Do you realize how hard that is for me to not do? I studied nutrition. When I see food, I instantly am analyzing the calorie, nutrient, and fat content. I know the calorie content for almost every fruit and vegetable. I am obsessed. Needless to say, my non-calorie counting lasted about a day and a half. You can't give up what you enjoy because it's "not normal". I say count your calories and work out as much as you want. 

I read many blogs. Yes, I read them all. I don't always post a comment, but I am still reading. I have to say all of you girlies out there not eating and only drinking vitamin water need to stop! 

Starvation = binges.

Binges = depression.

Depression = binges.

What a vicious cycle. 

Solution: eat fruits and vegetables!

 Fruits and vegetables contain almost no fat and have low calorie content (except avocados).

I will provide a healthy example:

Breakfast- flaxseed meal + almond milk + cut-up banana heated up like oatmeal = 200 calories

Lunch- mixed vegetables + small apple + celery + carrots = 200 calories

Dinner- 1 cup baked butternut squash + green beans + side of strawberries = 250 calories

Not bad eh?

Vitamin water is trash anyways. You ever read the ingredients? It's full of tons of garbage that only makes you feel more hungry and it tastes like death. 

I have a challenge for every one: For one week only eat food that has 5 or less ingredients. If you read the label and it is the size of a novel, put it down.

5 ingredients or less. It's a challenge my nutrition professor gave us when I was an undergrad. This professor was amazingly fit, beautiful, and 50 years old. She looked no older than 30. It was nuts. 

She claimed she never ate anything with more than 5 ingredient (unless of course it was mixed vegetables or fruit).

Let's do this.

Inspiration this week: 

Update!

Hello Lovelies! 

Goodness so much has happened since I last posted:

I sold my computer. 

Finished all my finals. 

Sent out announcements and bought my cap and gown. Yes I am graduating this Thursday, but I officially graduated with my undergrad in December and Started grad school in January. I don't feel like I am a college grad yet... 

Lastly, I had my final and last appointment with my therapist. It was bitter sweet. 

I feel like I have actually made progress. I am happier than I was before. I have my occasional depressive episodes, which I probably will always have, but in general, life is much happier.

However, things are not perfect. I had an anxiety attack this morning. My upcoming trip and just my own insecurities and lack of self-esteem was biting at me when I woke up. You see I am going to Europe May 24, but my boyfriend is heading up to Oregon to work for the summer up there. Then we will meet up with each other July 30. 

I trust him and I know he would never cheat. I mean he bought my an ipod touch so we can stay in contact while I am away.

BUT 

I am so insecure. 

I have been cheated on before. Twice.

 Worst part: where my boyfriend is going for the summer, his ex-fling (from 2008) is going to be in the same town working a 100 yards from where he is. Not only that, but that town is full of crazy snowboarder chicks.

It kills me inside that I will be thousands of miles away. It makes me feel so helpless. I have no control in this situation. What happens, will happen. 

Deep in my heart, I know nothing bad will happen, but I am a hurt puppy. Once you've been cheated on, it's always in the back of your mind. 

I assume everyone will cheat and leave me in the end. 

Silly me....stop thinking this way.

Last night as we were falling asleep my boyfriend whispered into my ear "you know we are so lucky to have what we have. We are young and in love. Truly in love. Not a lot of people our age can say that"

Is this something from a storybook? It's my life. What am I worried about then? 

My own insecurities. Curses.

I hope everyone is having a lovely May!

Only a few more weeks until swimsuit weather (well at least here in the states).

Keep up the hard work ladies. 

I will leave you with a quote from the wonderful Jack LaLanne:

"The only way you get that fat off is to eat less and exercise more."

This man was an animal. In this picture he is 92 years old. Up until his death at age 96, Jack would exercise 2 hours a day and ate a vegetarian diet. He is truly an inspiration. Love this guy!

Mundane

Today is one of those days where I question everything in my life. Am I really that happy? Is my school program what I want? What will I do after I graduate and have accumulated loads of debt? Where should I live when I get back home in August? I even question whether I should be single or in a relationship. I love my boyfriend very much, but I have so much work I need to do on myself. I don't feel like I am a capable functioning person yet. I have so many demons in my closet. On top of this I have the constant battle in my head about weight, food, calories, gym, etc. Why can't it leave me be. 

In 30 days (May 24) I will leave my home and travel abroad until August 16. Until then I feel trapped in my life. Routine has grown old and I am losing that vitality and energy for life I used to have. I just want to shed all my duties and obligations right now, hop on a plane, and leave. BUT I must stay here for 30 more days. I suppose I still have much more to do until I leave. Tie up all the loose ends before I depart. I will try and post as much as I can while I am traveling. 

My itinerary for May 24 - August 16 (rough outline, subject to change)

May 24 - May 28: New York City

May 28 - June 29: Vienna, Austria and surrounding cities (Budapest, Prague, Munich, and Salzburg)

June 29 - July 11: Barcelona and Oviedo, Spain and Lisbon, Portugal 

July 11 - 21: Southern France and Switzerland

July 21 - 28: Northern Italy and Southern Germany

July 29: Fly into Portland, Oregon

July 30 - August 2: Drive up to Seattle, Washington

August 2 - August 16: Work and live on Mt.Hood, Oregon

August 16: Drive home.

I can't wait to leave. I need to escape for a couple months and revitalize my soul. My fire is smoldering inside...(yes that was a play on AFI).

Stay lovely

xoxoxo

Therapist Today, Gone Tomorrow.

My this week has gone by fast. My therapist informed me this week that he is moving away and next Tuesday is our last session. I feel weird about it, because I told him so many secrets about myself. Stuff I never told anyone before. I have to accept some guy is out there in the world who knows me all too well....I am going to wait until fall to get a new therapist. I think I have come a long way, but I still need some help.

I just got home from yoga. It really energizes me. 

Vitality.

Willpower.

Self-confidence.

That's all I need in life.

Yoga save me.

Showers and Purging.

I was very domestic today. I did laundry, vaccumed, and bought a cute little shower curtain for the bathroom. Buying the curtain reminded me of something funny/stupid I did once...

I live in a rented house with four other people (one of which is my boyfriend). It is often hard for me to ever find alone time to do the occasional purging of calories. I am not bulimic. I only purge when I have eaten/drank too much or have gone out to eat some high calorie fare. One night after a night of delicious fatty Mexican food and wine I discovered that our shower drain was large enough to wash away partially digested food. Thus started my secret shower and purge affairs. I loved it, steaming hot shower to wash away my vomit and my sins. Plus it gave me privacy and an excuse to be in the bathroom for awhile.

However, not long ago (begining of March this year) our bathtub had a terrible clog. My housemate Ben came running downstairs yelling that the tub was clogged and filling up with nasty muck while he showered. I remember peering inside to see the chunks of vomit remnants coming back to haunt me. Luckily by the time the vomit came back up the drain it looked black and indiscernible so no one suspected anything....in the end the landlord came by and fixed it all up and since then I have limited my purging in the shower. Silly, silly me. 

I want to give a big hug to my followers and Lu! Thank you for the support. 

120 by May. 

xoxo

Weekend.

Today is my boyfriend's 27th birthday, so this weekend has been a dieting disaster because of this. Birthday dinner last night, out to breakfast this morning, cake last night and tonight there will be more, and wine, lots of wine. 

The birthday cake I made him isn't even unhealthy, it just has high nutrient dense food. Ingredients: almond meal, walnuts, dates, carrot juice, shredded carrots, and honey.

I have exercised enough to combat most of the influx of calories, so I am even. Not losing, but not gaining...

This Monday I am going back to 1,000 calories a day with 300-400 calorie burning exercise each day.
Thank you for the support. I feel more rejuvenated and determined to reach 120 before May.
No more excuses.